Fostering Independence

Does your toddler follow you EVERYWHERE? Does this drive you crazy? Recently, I was in this phase with my fourth child. No matter how hard I tried to set him up with an activity, the moment I walked away, he followed me. I reminded myself that, as his mother, I am his world, I am his favorite person. Most toddlers do this because they love their mom, not because they are trying to frustrate her.

However, this can be quite frustrating and make it difficult to get anything done around the house. What I will say if you find yourself in this phase is to realize that it IS just a phase. Like an old friend once said to me, "Whenever you think you can't handle a stage of motherhood, it's over." This has been very true for me. In spite of all this, my husband and I have found successful ways to foster independence in our children, and I want to share some of those tips today.

A few years ago, my husband said to me, "I hate the phrase 'be careful', and I think we should stop using it with the kids." He went on to explain the hesitant, timid behavior that he saw anytime he said that to one of our children. I reflected upon what he was saying, and I knew he was right. "But, what should we replace it with?" I asked. As we talked, we came up with words and phrases such as: Focus on what you are doing. Pay attention. Take your time. Stay focused. Be intentional.

We agreed to use language that empowers our children and gives them something more actionable to focus on. Right away we noticed the positive difference this slight change in language made. Sometimes, we found that it was actually better to say nothing at all and let a situation play out in order for our child to learn from the consequences. Another thing that we worked on was our own reactions. Accidents happen in life, which is something we say nonchalantly when a child spills or breaks something. My husband and I did not want to pass on our negative emotions when our child made a mistake because that is usually all they focus on. It takes a little (or a lot) of practice, but when that dish accidentally breaks, take a deep breath, count to ten, and then try to react calmly. This is so good for the child. Not only does it help them to remain calm and control their own emotions, but it helps them focus on the action that must be taken i.e., how the dish is going to be cleaned.

In just a few months, our children's problem-solving abilities and emotional control were strengthened. It was so cool to see. 

Some other questions or statements that we are fond of are:

1. How are you going to fix or do that? ... instead of telling them how to fix or do something. Of course, if they need an idea, then help them.

2. Would you rather...? Would you rather eat this veggie or that? Would you rather wear this shirt or that one? Giving options is a great way to foster independence.

3. That log looks slippery. Instead of saying "be careful!" point to something that can teach your child about the world.

4. What do you think will happen if ? Show them how to notice things about the world.

5. It is snowing outside. What do you think we need? Ask this instead of saying "Go put your coat on."

Of course, children need rules and boundaries. But, ask yourself if there is an area in your parenting where you can relax and control a little less. Independence creates capable, confident, happy children. Taking the time to help your child develop in this area will only bless you down the road, as you will see a frustrated toddler develop into a capable, busy little person.