Following Through with Consequences

It's been a struggle lately. I keep clashing with one of my children. No matter what I say, she does not listen until I am shouting. Not to mention that her sassy attitude mirrors that of a 13-year-old, and she is only six! I never wanted to be a shouting parent, and the dynamic between her and me only causes me to dislike myself... Time for another chat with my mom. On one of our frequent "walk and talk" outings, I brought this issue up to her. Pretty soon I was crying. I did not know that I had so much pent-up emotion. And that was the first thing my mom commented on, "Honey, the fact that you have so much emotion about this tells me that you have waited too long to give a proper consequence in the first place." I began to reflect on my ability to follow through with consequences. It turns out that I am not as good at following through as I assumed. Sometimes, I was mentally lazy. Oftentimes, I was just too tired or busy, and other times, my child's cuteness overwhelmed me, and I mentally excused their behavior. As we talked, I narrowed my mom's advice into six parts:

1. The moment that you feel agitated as regards your child's behavior, it's time to act.

   
   

2. Remember there is no rush, unless it's a safety issue. Take a moment to think about why the child is behaving this way and what constructive thing you could do to get them to stop. As you do this, the child could be sitting right in front of you, waiting until you are ready to speak. Keep it short and sweet; otherwise, you will lose the child's attention and waste your energy.

   
   

3. Sometimes it helps to ask the child why they were doing such and such or what they were thinking when they were behaving that way.

   
   

4. If the child's bad behavior keeps reoccurring, then it may be that the consequence is not severe enough, and therefore, the child isn't motivated to obey, or you are not following through, and they have picked up on that fact. Consistent inspection and follow-through are so wildly important if you are going to have any expectations for your child.

5. Volume is also a very powerful tool. If your child is used to you yelling all the time, then they will become immune and, to a degree, tune you out. You do not want this to happen because when the time comes, you want your shouting to matter. For example, your child is about to do something that could harm them. If a mom, who doesn't usually yell, shouts to get their child's attention, there is a higher chance that that child stops and focuses because Mom's yelling is unusual.

   
   

6. Be patient. You are trying to raise an awesome human. Virtue is a habit, and children are born with none of those, except the habit to stress a parent out, or so it seems. Remember that raising children is the greatest thing that you could do with your life, but it takes a little (or a lot) of patience, love, and some humor.